It was the flood of the century and my father felt it was the perfect time to clean out the gutters. While rain was pouring down at a rate of 2 million gallons per second, he was outside, on a ladder, pulling out rotting dead leaves. During this ill advised attempt at home maintenance, he inadvertently left the gate open. So, while he was around the front of the house, my brother's dog was sneaking out the back.
Now, this dog is not the smartest dog in the world; think less Lassie and more Marmaduke. I can just picture the scene now: my 56 year old dad, on a ladder in the pouring rain cursing while the dog quietly sneaks past him and bolts down the road.
After about 20 minutes, dad comes inside. "Have you seen Maime?" he asks (yes, that really is the dog's name. Don't ask.) "No..." I reply. "Oh God, she got out." he says. 'Oh crap' is right.
This was not good for a couple of reasons:
1. This dog is s-t-u-p-i-d.
2. My brother has a t-e-m-p-e-r
So, here we all go out the door like a shot, screaming for that stupid dog. My brother's mad, my mom and dad are upset, and The Kid's excited. She thinks this is exactly what she needs to keep her from her nap. After many, many colorful, four letter words from my brother, my dad decides to go out looking for her. In the middle of a flood of biblical proportions. Excellent idea.
So, after about 30 minutes, I finally get The Kid to sleep and decide to join the fun. I get in the car with a rain jacket on and begin to ride around the neighborhood with the car windows down, whistling. The first person I come across (stupid enough to be out in the rain, like me) is the cable guy. I pull my car over and ask if he's seen the dog. "Nope. Sorry." he tells me. Of course, it wouldn't be that easy so I continue driving around looking like a fool. I see a couple more people out walking their dogs and such and ask them. 'No's all around.
Then I come up to a house with some boys outside playing basketball. There's about 6 boys, all around 12 years old. I pull my car over next to the driveway. "Hey kids!" I yell. The boys stop dead in the middle of the game and look at me. "I've lost my dog" I say. All the kids take a step back. "Have you seen a big black dog running around here?" "No ma'am" the bravest one replies, from the safety of the garage. "Ok. Thanks." I reply and drive off. Then I start thinking. Crap. I just sounded like one of those weirdos who try to kidnap little kids. I better get the hell outta here before their mom calls the cops... or 'To Catch a Predator'.
When I get back home, The Kid's still asleep and there's still no sign of the dog. Great. Then The kid wakes up, cranky. Even better. It's still raining and it's getting bad so I start to worry. I go get The Kid out of her bed and follow mom out on the screened-in porch. As a last ditch attempt, mom stands out in the back yard yelling "Maime... Maime...".
Then, all of a sudden she yells "MAIME!! COME HERE PUPPY!!". I look up and there she is: the world's dumbest dog standing on the other side of the chain link fence looking at us like 'How'd you get in there?'. The Kid sees her buddy and starts screaming and flapping her arms like a chicken having a seizure. So, we all run towards the gate; mom, The Kid, and me, all barefoot and screaming in the pouring rain.
Yep, we like to keep it classy here in Tennessee.
