Freak Out

As my husband is well aware, I have a list. This list contains words that I cannot even hear without dry heaving. These words are so disgusting, I'm having a hard time typing this right now. I will not list these words for fear I may puke and pass out, but believe me, they're bad. They're pretty much everyday words that, to me, have a undesirable connotation. They are literally dirty words. Bubba knows these words and if he's feeling incredibly loving, he'll drop them into everyday conversation just so he can push my freaking buttons.
As charming as my neurosis are, you would think it would be make Bubba sad to know that my child has now inherited them. Not my husband.
We discovered Boo-Boo's little... er, issue... a couple of weeks ago. Bubba and I thought it would be a grand idea to teach The Kid animal sounds (you know, good parenting and all), so we sat down with a little book and started looking at the animals. "This is a dog. The dog says 'Woof!'. This is a cat. The cat says 'Meow!'". Everything was going just swimmingly until we got to the cow.
Now, this isn't just any cow I'm sure, oh no. Bubba's in the middle of saying "This is a cow. A cow says..." when he makes the sound of the most demonic bovine that ever exhisted. As soon as he says "Mooo..." she looks up at him with a face full of fear and discust and begins to cry. Not just any cry, mind you, but the "Slow Cry".
Every parent knows what that is. It's not the "I'm so mad I could kill you" or the "Oh look, the floor just reached up and slapped me so pick me up and give me candy". Oh no, this one starts with The Look. The look that says "Did you really just do that?". The one meant to break you. If that doesn't work, next is the Lip Quiver. This means " My feelings are truly hurt". If that still doesn't help, they pull out the big guns: The Big Cry. The Big, Nasty, Sobbing Cry. It's just years and years of unending sorrow. "Why, oh why have you done this? But I thought you loved me!" cry. I felt terrible. I'm a bad Momma. I looked over to my lovely husband to see if he felt my sorrow.  Well, I should have asked him after he stopped laughing.
That freaking laugh. The same laugh I hear after I stop regurgitating my dinner over ... those words. Now he has two of us to laugh at. So now, for fun, Bubba will just get infront of The Kid and moo that low, slow, evil moo. Not because he's mean or unfeeling. Because he's a parent, and that is one of the small joys of parenting.
That and knowing when they get older, they can be your indentured servant help you clean the house.

Magic Words

     The Kid is bow required to say "Please" and "Thank You". I know, she's only 18 months old, but good manners start young (and I really can't stand rude kids). Anyway, now she thinks as long as she says one of these two phrases along with "Uh Oh" she can do whatever she wants and receive no punishment. For example, if she puts her dirty kid fingers in your dinner she says "Thank You" as she shoves it in her mouth. Or, she'll drop her cup on the floor and yell "Uh Oh" as she sits in a pool of juice. Better yet, when she really wants something she'll say "Pleeeeeaaaaassseee" while she trying to take it from you.The Please-and-Thank-yous don't bother me at all. It's the "Uh ohs" and "No ways" that really get me though.
Like this morning: I called mom to check on The Kid and she if she's taking a nap or set the house on fire or whatever. Mom answers the phone and laughs. "Is she sleeping?" I ask. "No" mom replies "I put her in her crib and she's been talking. When the phone rang she said 'Uh Oh'". 'Uh Oh's right' I think to myself. She knows it's nap time and she knows it's me calling to check.
In short, 'Uh Oh' means 'I've been caught'. If she decides she's going to try to make it all the way up the stairs before I notice she's not standing beside me, 'Uh Oh' is a completely innocent and acceptable phrase to say as I run up the stairs (two at-a-time mind you) behind her. It's like saying 'Oh, aren't I cute? Don't you still love me even though I'm trying to kill myself and give you a heart attack all at the same time?'. Just like 'Please' means 'I'm going to say this as sweet as I can and hope that you will give me some of what you have before I forcibly take it from you'.
At least it's better than some of the other things she's been saying lately: specifically "No Way".
If I tell her not to feed the dogs off the table she says "No Way". If I tell her not to put her hands in the toilet, she kicks and screams "NO WAY!!!". Cute the first time; kinda funny the second, really annoying the 7,345th.

It's kinda funny how quick kids figure these things out for themselves. I thought we were safe from this kind of thing (mostly because she's an only child and isn't around other kids enough to conspire and trade tips).
Alas, no parent is safe, I fear. It's like when your mother said "You're going to get yours 10-fold when you have kids". It's not that I didn't believe her, I just didn't think I was that mean.