Woodchuck

The Kid has teeth. They're not just baby teeth, they're these sharp little puppy teeth that she likes to use to bite ANYTHING; me, her father, toys, and furniture. Yes, furniture. I found this out this yesterday.

The fact that my child has decided she has a taste for wood and varnish is actually my sister in law's fault. 'How is that?' you may ask. Well, I'll tell you.

When The Kid was about 9 weeks old, she refused to take any sort of nap during the day. I tried, believe me, but the only time she would close her eyes was when she would pass out while nursing. I would be terrified to move for fear of waking her up so there I sat, Kid fast asleep on the boppy, slack-jawed and drooling my own breastmilk all over me. Disgusting, I know. She also refused to sleep more than two hours at a time at night. I was at my wit's end. I had just gone back to work and was routinely falling asleep at my desk. For some reason, snoring at work is frowned upon. Imagine that. Since I getting fussed at by my boss (who had the only other office upstairs. I guess I was interrupting her crossword puzzle time) I asked my sister in law for advice. Since she has two girls of her own I figured she had all the answers. Little did I know she was the 'Sleep Nazi'. The minute I said something about sleep she started babbling something about 'set naps' and chanting something like "It's not logical, it's biological". I thought she'd lost her mind; or become a scientologist at the very least. Before I could say 'Tom Cruise' she explained it was all about this magical book. Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Baby was supposed to be the answer to all my problems. Sleep schedules, set naps and 'crying it out' were all things I saw when I skimmed trough the book because I was half-asleep and couldn't read through half-closed eyes. It all sounded like good ideas, but I'm lazy and it was just easier to let The Kid sleep in my bed physically attached to me like a human pacifier.

Jump ahead 7 months. I finally picked up the book again. Did you know 9 month olds need two naps a day? Did you also know they have to teach themselves to fall asleep? Well neither did I. So I read, and read, and decided to do it. Yes, it sucks to let your baby cry, but having a 5 year old scream "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE?!" while crying and trying to climb you like a rabid lab monkey because they don't want to go to sleep sucks alot worse. So, I did it. I let her cry. It really wasn't that bad. She eventually went to sleep, and she stayed asleep for hours. Praise Jesus (and Dr. Weisbluth).

About two days into this adventure I decided to check in on her during her morning nap. She was up on her knees, hands and mouth on the crib rail trying to gnaw her way out. After explaining to her that ash was not a suitable food group and putting her back down she fell asleep. I didn't think anything more about it until Tuesday. That's the day she woke up from her nap with black flecks all around her mouth. I thought it might have been the blueberries from her lunch, but when I went in her room I saw it. She had used her teeth to scrape off a fair amount of paint from her crib rail. Like a woodchuck. Lovely.